Will You Trust Your Own Light?

Dear Birdy,

I am in my early forties. My husband is a few years older than me. We’ve been together for over ten years and married two years ago. We have two children, ages 7 and 5. 

I am so unhappy. I have done a lot of personal work to grow and change, but my husband has not. I invest a ton of time into learning about positive parenting strategies, but he undermines everything I do. I am responsible for nearly all of the housework and childcare, and it feels like he is just another one of our children I’m expected to care for. I am exhausted. My family doesn’t support my desire to leave my unhappy marriage and they try to convince me he will change. They say I “owe it to the children '' to give him a chance to step up like he’s said he would. I’ve given him so many chances though, and I have lost all respect for him. But I’m scared. I don’t have the financial cushion I thought I did. I have friends who are single moms and it’s really difficult for them. I’m worried my family will turn their backs on me if I decide to go through with this. I’m afraid that whatever comes next could be worse than what I have. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Too Afraid to Leave

Dear Too Afraid to Leave,

You’re scared, and that makes sense. You’re evaluating two exceedingly difficult options: stay in an unfulfilling, exhausting relationship with a partner who has been a part of your life for a decade, the father of your children, or go. Into the abyss. The Great Unknown. Without a ton of external resources, and maybe even without the support of your family.

Here’s the thing about The Great Unknown. We tend to imagine it as this dark and scary place with no light to guide us. And in some ways, it is. Dark, with no road map. And certainly no guide. But does it have to be scary? What would it take for you to change your relationship to the dark? 

In the deepest depths of the ocean, the anglerfish thrives in the complete absence of sunlight. You know how she does it? She makes her own damn light. The monstrous-looking fish wears a headlamp of her own making. Here’s the best part: the light is created from bacteria in her body. She carries within her the resources she needs to turn on a lamp at the bottom of the sea. 

I use the pronoun she intentionally. Female anglerfish are the ones who carry the lanterns. They are larger than the males, and predatory. They use their light to attract crustaceans and small fish and snap them up when they get too close. They blink their lights to attract a mate, like fireflies. The females are predatory, and guess what? The males are parasites. Some species of anglerfish males, much smaller than the females, latch onto their mate and parasitically feed off of her blood for the rest of their lives. She, goddess of the deep sea, maker of light, carries the weight of this male with her for the rest of her days while he lives off of the resources she brings in. They stay latched together as they create future generations of anglerfish, yes. But at what cost to her?

What the anglerfish lacks is agency. You, Too Afraid to Leave, do not. The Great Unknown is dark. The Great Unknown offers no map. But you are fertile with the same kind of resources the anglerfish transforms into light. You already carry within you everything you need to create your own lantern, to light your own path. Maybe others support you when they see the courage it takes to step into the dark. Maybe it takes them some time to stand at the edge of The Great Unknown, marveling at your bravery, before they, too, can trust the leap. And maybe you do go it alone, your babies by your side. There is no easy choice. There is only, ever, what is true for you. Will you trust you can make your own light?

Love,
Birdy